People-Pleasing: Understanding and Addressing the Issue

Many of us have a tendency to prioritize others’ needs over our own, a behavior known as people-pleasing. This habit involves excessively focusing on making others happy, often at the expense of our own desires and well-being. It’s sometimes referred to as “the disease to please.”

People-pleasing is often used as a way to avoid disapproval or the discomfort of asserting our own needs. It can lead to self-neglect as we seek validation from others. Social psychologists call this tendency “sociotropy,” which is the prioritization of relationships over personal independence and often comes with a strong need for social acceptance.

Prevalence and Benefits
People-pleasing is common. A 2022 YouGov poll found that 49% of U.S. adults identified as people-pleasers, with 56% of women and 42% of men describing themselves this way.

While people-pleasing has its drawbacks, it also has benefits. When we take pleasure in helping others, it fosters connections and shows we care about their needs. It makes us good at getting along with others, working hard, and being empathetic.

Evolutionary and Psychological Roots
The desire to be liked and appreciated has evolutionary roots. We all adapt our behavior to smooth interactions with others. However, problems arise when people-pleasing becomes excessive, leading us to neglect our own needs.

Our brains can rationalize this behavior because it involves helping others, making it easy to overlook its costs. People-pleasing can lead to losing oneself in others, inhibiting personal happiness, connection, and freedom.

Signs and Origins
Signs of people-pleasing include consistently putting others’ needs before our own, being the overworked one in the workplace, and feeling unappreciated despite our efforts. It often stems from a strong desire to be liked, learned behaviors from childhood, or cultural expectations.

People-pleasing is related to insecurity and a need for external validation. It can also be a response to childhood trauma or abuse, leading to behaviors aimed at gaining acceptance and safety.

The Downside and Impact on Leadership
Though beneficial in some contexts, people-pleasing can lead to many issues, such as:

-Self-neglect
-Strained relationships
-Reduced authenticity
-Poor leadership effectiveness
-In leadership, people-pleasing can cause indecisiveness, lack of accountability, and poor results. It may lead to an overload of work and hinder the ability to delegate and develop team capacities.

Overcoming People-Pleasing
To address people-pleasing, we need to shift our mindset and behaviors:

Mindset:

Recognize the importance of setting boundaries and saying no.
Understand that self-worth comes from within, not from others.
Realize that people-pleasing harms relationships by degrading authenticity.

Behavior:

-Buy time before agreeing to requests.
-Scrutinize requests and consider if they align with our values.
-Be clear about our own goals and priorities.
-Practice saying no with firmness and grace.
-Build confidence and assertiveness.
-Seek help from mentors, coaches, or therapists.

Conclusion
We have a choice: live in fear of not being liked or honor our own needs and aspirations. By finding a balance between serving others and prioritizing ourselves, we can achieve greater authenticity, joy, and fulfillment.

Wishing you well in your journey to overcome people-pleasing.